Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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