I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize