I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
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Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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