I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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