i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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