This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
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You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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