Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
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My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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