I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
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there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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