better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
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