Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
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Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
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Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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