woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
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He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
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My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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