I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
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You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
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This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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