When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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