please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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