we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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