someone threw a dead crab at me
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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