Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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