im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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