wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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