I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
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I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
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I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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