Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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