; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
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Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
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Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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