remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
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I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
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ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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