if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
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The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
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Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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