I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize