He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
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I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
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Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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