hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
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he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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