Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
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officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
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I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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