God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
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No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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