Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize