Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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