She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
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We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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