marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
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Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
40s are totally the cure
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We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i think im in europe. pls send help
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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