And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
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Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
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We are all done wearing pants today
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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