remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
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I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
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Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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