Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
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4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
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Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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