those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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