Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize