Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
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