I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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