forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
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being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
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I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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