what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize