do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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