in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
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I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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