sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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