he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize