You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
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VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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