I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I lost the right to judge tonight
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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