I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be right there i have to get my cape
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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