god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
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My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
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I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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